Roaring the Part of Me

As most of you may know, I’m a Katy cat. Now before you assume I’m a 14-year old in my brain, let me explain why. Watching her documentary, particularly in the scene prior to her show in Sao Paulo, Brazil, I could relate to her. And I think that’s how it goes for most of us – we don’t truly grow close to someone until one of us is facing a difficult obstacle in front of the other. Call it marketing all you want, but seeing a celebrity courageously go through a difficult time, publish the symptoms of it, and do her best to go through it with integrity, dignity, and grace, earned my respect.

Another reason as to why I love Katy is her music helps! Sometimes you listen to a song, don’t think much of it, but then when you go through an experience that relates to the song, you love it. Even when you’ve moved on from that experience, that song still resonates in your heart. And it can be any song – a love song, a breakup song, a female empowerment song, a let’s-go-crazy song, or whatever other categories there are.

There’s quite a few of her songs actually that have meaning to me (i.e. Wide Awake, Hummingbird Heartbeat, Roar, etc.) and if you want I can talk about some of them, but tonight I want to talk about Part of Me. Though not the most recent Katy song to speak to me, it’s had so much meaning in my life and has held true to me for so long that it is the one where I’d be the best able to talk about. Another interesting thing about this song is it’s helped me through more than one situation in my life, but I’ll talk about one of them.

I went through a really hard time in my life. I can’t go into specific details about what it was that was troubling me out of respect for my own privacy. (No, it was NOT a boy or a friend, by the way.) But what I can say is it was a trial that put everything I had in jeopardy – my life, my education, my career, my goals, my happiness, my hopes, and my motivation to keep going. I was devastated. I felt like I had lost everything in my life, and I had no idea if I’d be able to get through it or let alone how.

Well, the adversary took advantage of that wonderful opportunity he had to try to mess with my head. Thoughts ran through my mind such as “What’s the point in getting out of bed if you’re worthless?”, “You don’t deserve to be happy; that would eventually hurt you even more later”, “If you’re not happy, no one else should be”, “Are you sure anyone’s listening to your prayer?” “No one will answer your prayers, so don’t bother”, “Don’t bother asking for help. No one can help you”, “You will never get through this, so just give up”, and “Why bother going to church?”. I knew he was rejoicing in my misery. I knew he was hoping I’d listen to him. I knew he smirked at every tear I’ve shed.

I don’t like talking about him. It makes me feel bad. That’s probably why he likes it so much when people talk about him. But sometimes, you need to know your enemy so that you can overcome and defeat him. So here’s what I know about him: he hates us. He hates seeing us pray. He hates seeing us being kind to others. He hates seeing us serve and uplift others. He hates seeing us succeed and make good choices. He throws parties when he sees us making bad choices. He loves seeing us held captive in our addictions (such as drinking, drugs, pornography, sex, etc.). He loves seeing us sad. He loves seeing us fight with one another. He loves it when we skip church. He wants people to be as miserable and as lonely as he is. Could you imagine the thought of never being able to progress?

He is determined to drag us down to his level and abandon us in the dark. What may seem like fun and pleasurable at the moment will later result in long-lasting remorse and guilt. And he knows that. Don’t allow yourself to be another prisoner. He has no friends. He will never offer you anything but misery. He’s the father of all lies. One time, when I was in my insecure teenager phase, I was telling my sister I didn’t think I was pretty. She answered, “That’s Satan talking.” And I never thought of it that way. But it’s so true! He puts us down in all aspects.

Anyways, back to the song and my story. So I went through a really hard time and I felt like crap. I felt like I had absolutely no purpose in life. I felt like a piece of nothing. I felt like I wasn’t good enough at anything or for anybody. I barely had motivation to get out of bed. So yeah, he “chewed me up and spit me out, like I was poison in [his] mouth. Took my light and drained me down.” “I fell deep and [he] let me drown.” I could’ve thought of a million reasons to grow bitter, leave the church, and cut off my belief in God.

But part of me kept me from doing any of that. Part of me reminded me of all the spiritual experiences I had as a teenager that testified to my heart that God lives. Part of me reminded me how much I knew the church was true and that leaving it would only make my situation worse. Part of me reminded me of many people out there who were probably going through an even more difficult time who needed to be helped. Part of me reminded me that I had the most amazing family and friends who indeed helped me through it. So “that was then and this is now, now look at me: This is the part of me that [he’s] never gonna ever take away from me.” He could “throw [his] sticks and [his] stones, throw [his] bombs and [his] blows. But [he’s] not gonna break my soul.”

So I kept a smile on my face, even though some days it was a struggle to hold back the tears. I stayed in church and I’m still active to this day, and never stopped believing in God for one second. I know God lives. I know He is our loving Heavenly Father. He’s real. He loves us like we can’t imagine. He knows everything about us and He truly listens to our prayers. No mistake we’ve made can diminish His unconditional love for us. The adversary might’ve made me feel like nothing for a bit, but that’s over for good. “Now look at me, I’m sparkling. A firework, a dancing flame. [He] will never put me out again, I’m glowing.” I will never let anyone take away my dignity or grace again, no matter what else is taken away from me. No one can take away my assurance that God lives and is watching over me. “In fact [he] can keep everything except for me.”

What I like about the video is she becomes a soldier after the break-up. She got tough. She became a fighter. Moreover, as she was healing from the heartbreak, she was simultaneously training to be a warrior. That has so much significance to me, because from what I interpret, is when times get hard we don't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves. We get up, move on, get strength and do something with ourselves. Not necessarily becoming a marine in a literal sense; but doing something with yourself that'll help you move on and become stronger. Why? Because God can't move a parked car. How can we expect to learn from an experience if all we're doing is laying in bed, crying it off and feeling sorry for ourselves? That's just showing our adversary he's defeated us and surrendering. Yes, we can and should cry it off. But we should also get back up and let God help us defeat the enemy. My favourite character from One Tree Hill, Brooke Davis said, “There’s a day that you realize you’re not just a survivor; you’re a warrior.” Isn’t that powerful and so true? And that day has definitely come for me. Life isn’t about one dragon you have to defeat and then you live happily ever after – it starts with the small dragon. Once you’ve defeated it, a bigger one comes along. Then after you defeat that one, an even bigger one comes along. Why? Killing the smaller dragon gave you the skills, the speed, and the strength needed for the next one. A bigger one came along to prove that and to provide you with additional strength for an even bigger one.

They say trials are there to make you stronger, and though I don’t completely disagree with that, I can’t say I agree with it either just yet. Maybe I am stronger but I just don’t know it. What I can definitely say, however, is trials are there to indicate just how strong we really are. I think about how Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac so he could see for himself just how faithful he truly was, and how that applies to us. It’s interesting to see how you handle a new obstacle; it makes you look back and realize how much you’ve matured and learned from the previous experiences. They also showed to me who my true friends really are, what it means to sincerely love and care about someone. They made me a more selfless person, which is how I know I needed them because I’ve always struggled with selfishness and self-centredness; my whole life everything was always about me, and once I hit the brick walls of life I saw how much I relied on the selflessness of others and how much my being selfless to others minimized my problems. They also made me less impulsive, which is another thing I still struggle with.

How am I doing now? I’m doing great! I’m totally gonna sneak in lyrics from a different Katy song to better express how I’m doing: “I went from 0 to my own hero. [He] held me down, but I got up – already brushing off the dust. Hear my voice, hear that sound like thunder gonna shake the ground. [He] held me down, but I got up – get ready cuz I’ve had enough. I see it all, I see it now.” And here come’s my favourite part: “I got the eye of the tiger, the fighter, dancing through the fire. Cuz I am a champion! And you’re gonna hear me roar louder, louder than a lion cuz I am a champion! And you’re gonna hear me roar.” Ok, not literally roar. But when I think of roaring, I think of faithfully maintaining your integrity, dignity, and grace through all the fiery darts that come your way. Doing so is like roaring, because in the world we live today, we’re expected to be tough, feisty, and ballzy and not let anyone get away with anything. Yes, you should stand up for yourself and be honest. But you don’t have to sink down to someone’s level and cause harm to them just so you can feel good about yourself. That’s why to me, being graceful and maintaining your class and a smile on your face takes a heck of a lot more strength than does losing your temper, seeking revenge or taking a bad day out on someone . That’s how I roar. “Roaring” so loud, no sticks or stones can break my bones.