What I Did Then Is What I Know Now

Dear viewers,

I hope I didn't lose any of you because, as much as I've been away living the organic life, I have missed the virtual world where I can express my feelings in this beautiful blog. Now before you accuse me of being negligent, I do want to clarify that while I was down in Brazil I wrote a couple entries. I will post them... eventually... but today I want to just randomly start free-writing from the top of my head. No drafts, no proofreading, just write and click publish!

I have no idea what I want to talk about... a couple things have been on my mind these past few days - grief, gossip/judging, relationships, and poop. I'm kidding about that last word btw - I just said it to catch your attention (in a good way, hopefully). Hmmm.. what to talk about?

Man, this is hard. Not sure how to do this. Well, based on my pageviews I noticed that I get the most views when I write about dating and marriage. I honestly don't feel 100% comfortable talking about that topic simply because it requires me to share and draw things out from my own personal life. And I like maintaining my privacy. It's mainly because it involves other people and I don't like exposing people here on the internet, so when I do talk about other people, I try to keep them as undisclosed and in as much of a positive light as I possibly can.

These past few days, people have been asking me nonstop about how many boyfriends I had, how long they lasted, and who they were. I'm weird enough to find those questions way too invasive and personal. It doesn't benefit anybody knowing these things about me. But I guess what I have learned from my past relationships could benefit people. So today, I'm gonna talk about what I've learned from all of my relationships (and by relationships, I mean friendships, family, roommates, mission companions, co-workers, classmates, flings, boyfriends, and anything else that involves me and another person striving to get along.)

1. Acceptance is key.
   
   My strongest friendships and other relationships were ones where the other person was fully aware of all of my flaws and bad habits, but accepted them and was able to handle it all. It kept things realistic and rational. I have a friend who once said to me, "Kim, you're a little crazy, you're this and that, and you tend to do this a lot. But that's just who you are and that's totally fine with me." So look for someone who knows you (hence the importance of being yourself) and accepts you for that.
   
   On the other hand too, nobody is perfect. Of course you should never settle for less than what you deserve - if you're a sensitive person and you marry someone who is not kind or gentle in the least way possible, chances are you'll be unhappy. So yeah, just because nobody's perfect doesn't mean it's okay to settle for a douchebag. However, don't expect a guy to be perfect. Look for someone with flaws you are able to handle and who is teachable enough so you can help build them to a better person. Sometimes they'll hurt your feelings and maybe not realize it or apologize right away. That's when you need to be assertive (without losing your temper) and clearly explain your side of the story. On the other hand, it's also important to be open-minded, see things from their perspective, and thicken your skin. We need to remember that even though we're the ones upset, we're also imperfect. So analytically think about what it was that you did or traits you have that trigger the frustration, set goals for ways to change them, and carry them on.
   
   
2. Reciprocity is key.
   
   One thing to always keep in mind is that if you're gonna expect someone to do a million things for you, you have to be willing to do the same for them. One-sided relationships just don't work. The only way you can be happy is by making the person you're with happy. This one person did a lot for me, and I always appreciated it and thanked them but I never felt like I showed my appreciation enough. So one day, I decided to just focus on that person and do as much as I could to make their day better in every possible aspect. It wasn't like I took that person out to an expensive restaurant to eat or anything; I just focused on doing as many little things for that person as I could.
   
   In other words, that person's acts of kindness were exactly what motivated me to do more in return. And that's how it should be. Honestly, that was the best day in our relationship. Seeing how happy that person was, made me happier than those days where the focus was on me. And from that point, my focus on the relationship wasn't to check to see if I was happy or satisfied; it was to make sure they were happy. Obviously you need to surround yourself with people who make you happy too, no doubt in that. But honestly, everything I know and plan to do for my husband I learned from the good things I've done or were done for me in past relationships. So don't save selflessness for your "soulmate"- develop selfless habits now with everyone around you.
   
   
3. Communication is key.
   
   A guy who you can not just communicate with, but with whom you're able to work things out from there, is the kind of guy you want to hold on to. Don't expect guys to "just know" what's on your mind. Be assertive and strive to make things better from that point. I'm pretty assertive when it comes to working things out with the people around me. Whenever a friend or a family member does or says something I don't appreciate, I just can't keep it in and I tell them straight-up what's bothering me. So that's never been a problem for me. At the same time, I try to be assertive without being pushy or demanding. It's important to be honest, but at the same time think about how you're making the person feel about themselves as you talk to them.
   
   I notice a lot of girls are so insecure, afraid of conflict, or for whatever other reason, don't stand up for themselves and just let people walk all over them, then get frustrated because they're unhappy in the relationship. Others just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened without having worked it out first. Let me talk about this concept of sweeping it under the rug for a bit - at what point is the conflict worthy of dropping? I guess it's up to you and the person. But for me, I NEED to make sure everything has been said and done, (sincere) apologies were made, and new goals have been set from there. It's better to let it all out at once (and come off as though you're nagging) but once it's solved it's solved for good, than to pretend everything's okay only for it to eventually come back and bite you later.
   
   Back to how girls avoid communication, this one's my favourite: they passive-aggressively keep it to themselves only to eventually explode. Or they expect people (particularly men) to read their mind. Most men can't read our minds, but it doesn't mean they don't care about us! I've learned through experience that it's not their ability to read your mind or to understand what's going on that indicates how much they care about you; it's their willingness to make things better once they do understand.
   
   On the other hand, be teachable. If someone is telling you something you do or say that bothers them, and you don't necessarily agree or understand why it would bother them, just do it anyway (unless of course it goes against your values). If you care about someone, you'll be willing to change in order to make them happy! That's one reason why I think friendship is key. When you focus on building and strengthening a friendship (and again, this applies to family members, roommates, significant other, etc.) it is so much easier to be open and communicate with each other.
   
   
4. Privacy is key.
   
   When something goes wrong in a relationship, it is absolutely NOBODY'S business. Whenever I've had arguments or disagreements with people who were close to me, or if they were doing/saying something I didn't appreciate, I never told anybody. Why? A conflict is a conflict because of solely me and that person, so it is absolutely unnecessary for anyone else to know - if that makes sense. If something's wrong and I need someone to rant to about it, I'll rant to the actual person. My biggest pet-peeve is when girls, especially after a break-up or a fight, pull a Taylor Swift and make Facebook statuses or share memes that hint negative things about someone. Like, come on! Grow up and handle it with each other and don't involve the rest of the world into your private life! Nobody deserves to be exposed in a negative light, unless they were doing something morally wrong that threatened others' safety.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed these 4 key relationship advices. Let me reinforce that they do not solely apply for spouses or boyfriends but are also applicable for other people in your life who are important to you for whatever reason.