The Bullets & Your Shield

Lately I've been a bit of a hermit. Last Friday night was my first time hanging out with someone outside of a house in a while, and it was with one of my best friends from Kelowna, Melanie. She's the chick in the picture with me. Isn't she beautiful? I love her to pieces. She's the kind of person I can talk to about anything because she's so down-to-earth, smart, and trustworthy and she's always down with whatever I suggest for when we hang out. And being my faithful gym buddy, she is the reason for my recent loss of my previous Relief Society arms. We had a fun one-on-one girls' night, and sometimes you just need that - just two hours talking to someone you can trust and carry a conversation with is so therapeutic. Anyways, during our conversation one of the topics that was brought up was mean girls. Not the movie - but the reality that there are some girls out there who feel the need to put other girls down in order to feel better about themselves.

Usually, I try to make my posts analytic and in-depth, but I have a feeling this one will be a bit of a rant so bear with me. Girls are EVIL. I'm not talking about all female species in general - I'm referring to a specific group of female species who never seem to graduate from high school (aka. girls). I know fifty-year old girls, 5-year old girls, 20-year old girls, 70-year old girls, etc. Here is the typical "girl" of which I am negatively referring to - they are attention-seeking, overly-competitive, unkind, two-faced, superficial, insecure and though they hide it very well, unhappy. Let's talk about each of their traits.

• Attention-Seeking
• A girl who is attention-seeking will do everything she can to make sure the attention is on her. Whether it's by making a million Facebook posts, taking a million selfies, talking about herself, fishing for compliments, monopolizing a conversation, or ignoring other girls. As long as people are noticing her existence, her life will be complete. Maybe she comes from a large family, or no family. Maybe she has low self-esteem and needs to feel noticed. Maybe she's so overly-obsessed with Hollywood she feels she's only enough if people notice her as much as they notice celebrities. When a girl fits the attention-seeking category, she will do everything she can to make sure other girls aren't noticed. They do this either by making themselves look, act, or talk better than other girls, tearing other girls down or ignoring/sticking their noses up on them so that they'll shy away from letting people notice them. 

• Overly-Competitive
• Now I know at this point, you are all imagining the girls I'm referring to as your typical Regina George - pretty, popular, and smart. However, in some cases, a girl who struggles with a trait (like looks, brains, or social skills) can still demonstrate over-competitiveness by diminishing that trait to the point where people who hold that particular trait look bad. For example, we have Rhonda, who's a mean girl. Rhonda is smart but isn't the prettiest one out there. Julia is a pretty girl and Rhonda gets jealous. So, Rhonda will try her best to somehow convince people that Julia is stupid and that being smart is more important than being pretty.
• Overly-competitive girls cannot stand the thought of another girl being prettier, smarter, funnier, more popular, or nicer than her. They HAVE to be the best at everything they do and "fair ties" just don't cut it for them. They're like Snow White's evil stepmother. They're OBSESSED with knowing who's #1 - who has the most likes on their profile picture, who gets the most compliments, who gets the most dates or hot boyfriends, who has the best grades, who has the best jobs, etc. They have an obsession with rates and being #1 at everything. No one is allowed to beat them or tie with them. Why are they overly competitive? see Attention-seeker. Maybe she had bullying problems or had someone make her feel low earlier in her life and needs to prove to herself that she's on top. Maybe she has some kind of trauma where she was ignored or viewed as second-best. Maybe she had a back-stabbing friend and is still bitter about it. Like the evil stepmother, when another girl who is pretty, smart, popular, or nice comes along, overly-competitive girls' goal comes down to one thing: getting rid of her. And their poisoned apple is what mean girls normally do - spreading rumors, humiliating or putting them down, befriending only to backstab, and whatever else mean girls normally do. Here's a video by the hilarious Jenna Marbles where she talks about that. I apologize in advance for her language, but she makes interesting points:

• Unkind
• Maybe they're going through problems in their life and take their frustration out on other people. Maybe they think it's funny. Maybe they weren't raised by parents who properly taught them to be kind. Maybe it is their way to make up for the lack of love and kindness they may feel. Whatever it is that triggers it, girls are unkind. Being unkind just makes you a girl, because it shows you have no maturity. Why? As I've gotten older and learned to face life without my parents' help, I realized the one thing this world needs (other than temporal things like food, water, shelter, education, etc.) is kindness. Kindness is the true key to happiness and to a better place. I'll borrow words from Ashton Kutcher that really hit me hard: "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you. It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less. So don’t buy it! Be smart, be thoughtful and be generous."

• Two-Faced
• (see GIF file above) This one is one of my favourites - a girl never lets people know she's mean. Why? Because they're obsessed with having a good reputation. Therefore, they will always make sure other people think well of them so that they can have back-up people to tear you down. There's a Brazilian expression which literally translates to: "Bite you, and blow it better" - which means you do mean things to someone then act like nothing happened. Being two-faced is the perfect weapon for someone who wants to put another person down without ruining their own reputation. Something that took me a while to wrap my head around, was that the only people who are worth your time are exactly the ones who see right through those two-faced people seeking to put you down. True friends will NEVER take crap from those girls or believe in rumours. Everyone else isn't worth your time, because they don't truly care about you. And why waste your time with people who don't care about you?

• Superficial
• Superficial people only care about what's obvious and apparent. They spend most of their time caring about what other people think of them rather than making the world a better place and being a good person. Instead of visiting the lonely widow, they're out shopping for nicer clothes than the girl they hate. Instead of uplifting someone, they're too busy gossiping and judging. Instead of judging someone based on their character, heart, and trustworthiness, they judge based on weight, looks, clothes, and social skills. They are so difficult to carry a conversation with - when getting to know them, you find yourself talking about boys, clothes, or other people more than about things that truly matter. It's okay to be young every now and then for sure and it's definitely okay to be a little vain and make yourself look pretty, but if it's all you talk/care about, that's where the problem lies. I don't think girls who say "shoes make me happy" are necessarily superficial; I think what makes them superficial is if shoes are all that run through their mind. I don't want to go into too much detail on this as I have made plans to do a whole post on this topic, but I'll sum up by saying it's important to focus on inner beauty at least as much as you focus on outer beauty.
• Insecure
• Anyone can be insecure - a pretty girl, an ugly girl, a stupid girl, a bright girl, a slutty girl, a celibate girl. Self-esteem isn't based on reality; it's based on how people choose to feel about themselves. And the way they choose to feel about themselves can be triggered by numerous things such as what others think, what the worldly standards are, the choices they've made, their accomplishments, etc. A person who has good self-esteem doesn't feel the need to bring themselves up at anyone's cost. A person who is insecure, on the other hand, is so insecure they want to get out of that miserable state and do everything they can to change it and do so by seeking attention, competing with others, or just putting others down in general. They need proof that others are beneath them. I'd like to think that a person's values are defined by the things that trigger the way they feel about themselves. To clarify that somewhat redundant statement I just made: if a person values integrity, the way they feel about themselves will most likely be based on how much integrity they've demonstrated through life.
• Unhappy
• Self-explanatory...

How to deal with them mean girls? One day a friend had reported to me some nasty things some girls said about me behind my back. Note: I never even talked to those girls other than when I said hi to them when I saw them. I was always super nice to them, and I never did anything to harm them. I had no idea why they would say such awful things about me behind my back. It genuinely hurt my feelings and I was very upset. After I calmed down, I realized you can't control what people like that say about you. You can try to be kind, you can try to befriend them and gain their trust, but in the end, it is their call what they will say about you and how much they will choose to toy with your image. It definitely takes someone who has one or more of the traits I listed earlier to choose to bad-mouth someone who has been nothing but kind to you. So, because you have absolutely no control over that, there is absolutely no point in getting upset because it's not going to have any impact on what is said about you. So don't even bother getting upset - which may sound hypocritical coming from me as I am making an entire blog post on this.

Now I'm not saying it's easy; it takes practice, self-control, and discipline. A couple things to keep in mind that have helped me are first, letting someone (who you barely know and who talks trash about you) hurt you is like an astronaut getting upset that a homeless person is trying to convince people the moon doesn't exist. Of course, this is a more extreme case and the parties' positions and credibility on the matter are a lot more explicit than in the case of a mean girl badmouthing another. But think about it: what do these people truly know about you? Maybe what they have to say is true, and that's okay. You know why? Because it makes you human - you make mistakes on a daily basis and you have habits and flaws you're trying to overcome. Sure, some of them you're genuinely self-conscious about and it can be quite embarrassing if others find out about them, but see it as an opportunity to own those things you don't like about yourself. The coolest people I know are those who are so confident, they admit their flaws in a way that make them look cool.

 "How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves". So very true! It reminds me of that saying "Be kind to the unkind. They need it the most." Honestly, you don't know what's going on in their lives. Maybe they have low self-esteem and need that assurance that they're good enough by convincing themselves that other girls are not. Maybe they're unhappy and take it out on others, hoping for some relief. Whatever their reasons, it is obvious that no one has taught them what true kindness really is, and that could be your job to teach them through your example! Obviously, don't be a pushover. You can (and should) stand up for yourself or confront people who do or say nasty things if you feel inclined to do so, as long as you follow the spirit and do it in the most Christlike manner possible. And by Christlike, not necessarily gentle - but in the way that He would. He definitely burned the Pharisees when necessary. So, you may need to burn - but make sure you have the spirit's approval to do so. 

My favourite Jesus Christ story is when Jesus was captured in the Garden of Gethsemane, and one of his apostles Peter cut off one of the evil guards' ears. What did Jesus do? He puts his hand over the guard's ear and healed it. How must the guard have felt? If I were the guard I'd feel bad for trying to kill him - the fact that Jesus healed His ear showed who he really was - a man who doesn't seek revenge and who truly loves everyone around Him. That simple act would be enough to convert me. (Luke 22:50-51) So offer them love and kindness - not your trust, or your permission to be torn down; but your genuine desire for their well-being.

Another thing you don't want to do is seek revenge. I saw this quote on Facebook the other day that really blew my mind: "We all suffer unfairness and people will cause you harm. It'll make you angry. You'll want to get even with them. But think about it - that person has already had their punishment: being who they are." There are many ways you can try and get even with someone and I can't say I've never done that or that it didn't feel great at first. But think about it: where will that get you? Sure, it'll feel great. But what does that say about your character? Regardless of your reasons, putting someone down is making you into just like that person who initially put you down - why would you want to sink down to their level? Show the world (and most importantly, yourself) you're bigger and better than that by turning the other cheek and being kind to them. By doing that, you're showing you're too tough to let those stupid things phase you. You're showing that you're different from those people. You're showing you don't need to cause harm to someone to feel good about yourself. I think about it from other peoples' perspective: if Chick A said nasty things about Chick B, and Chick B was always smiling, happy, and kind and only had nice things to say about Chick A - who am I going to want to draw myself closer to? Chick B, of course! So be Chick B - she's cooler.

Most importantly, never allow other peoples' views of you define what you feel about yourself. Here's one revenge that's allowed: be happy. The best way to get back at someone who is striving to put you down is to rise above that by being happy. They are trying to make you unhappy - so show them their tactics don't work by being truly happy, and being who you are. Don't ever change the way you are for someone else. That's just dumb. Who you are is who you're meant to be. You're unique, you're different, you're a firework - and what makes you all those things are exactly what those girls try and use against you. Use those bullets they fire at you as your strengths. Love yourself the way you want others to love you. Your self-love is your shield; the stronger it is, the more those bullets will ricochet.