Guarding Your Heart By Thinking Ahead

What’s up my beautiful readers! Whoever you are, whatever your ethnicity, age, religion, gender, favourite One Tree Hill character, you are beautiful! Because you are taking the time to read my blog and that makes you a beautiful person!

So I got some pretty good reviews from my last post. Thank you all! It boosted my ego as a writer and blogger and motivated me to keep doing what I do. So thank you! I was definitely really inspired as I wrote it… I probably rambled on about virtue and integrity and stuff cuz I had just listened to the last general young women’s session. So I guess with that I felt prompted to make a call for virtue! WOOHOO! Anywhoozle, this post is also about guarding your heart. This time, however, I’ll be going into more detail about the thinking-ahead-side-of-things.

PART 2:

I have a buddy. We haven’t kept in touch for a few years now but, he was one of my best friends before he left on his mission. I was in high school and had just turned 16 so I was pretty new to the whole flirting and dating stuff, so I asked my guyfriends for advice a lot! So he shared a piece of advice that stuck with me throughout the rest of my social life. It was: find a balance between using your head and your heart. If you only use your heart, you’ll dive into things without thinking and get hurt. But if you only use your head, you’ll think too much and eventually let opportunities pass you by and you’ll be wondering what if. I thought it was pretty neat!

The first point I wanted to make today (or tonight, depending on your time zone) has to do with using your head. It is that you can like someone without letting it tear you up. What do I mean by that? Well, I think in a way we’ve convinced ourselves that if we like a person but we’re not with them, it’s supposed to hurt like heck. That’s not necessarily true. Especially in cases where your relationship reached the point where it won’t work no matter what you do. I have a story that illustrates this concept of liking someone without hurting yourself.

Back in the day my friend thought this one chick had everything he looked for. But as their relationship evolved, he started to notice her lack of commitment. The “warning signs” were subtle at first but progressively becoming more obvious. Because he liked her so much, however, he overlooked those signs and continued to do everything it took to make it work. Eventually, it got to the point where he realized he was the only one who really wanted their relationship to work and therefore they weren’t gonna make it unless she was committed to it. I remember telling him, “Marriage is a lot of work. Dating is supposed to be fun! And as much as you like this chick, you’re unhappy and this isn’t fun anymore. And if it’s not fun now, it’s only gonna get worse.”

That didn’t change the fact that he was head over heels for her or that she was an amazing person though. But he had to let go because he knew it was only gonna hurt him even more later on. We all knew he had done everything it took, so he could walk away from this with a clear conscience. Yeah, it hurt him a little to let go of an amazing girl he still had feelings for, but he also knew he was sparing himself from an even bigger heartbreak later on. So yeah he liked her a lot, but it didn’t tear him up!

The point I’m trying to make here is, yeah you can find yourself really liking someone the way my friend did. But it’s okay to let go if you know it’s not gonna work. In fact, it’s not okay; it’s important to let go. And the fact that he let go as soon as he realized it would never work made it so much easier for him to move on! The more you hold on to something that isn’t gonna work, the more it’ll hurt when you eventually let go.

The second point I would like to make also has to do with using your head and it’s to not waste your time or your feelings with someone you wouldn’t marry.

For those of you who have asked me, I don’t keep a list of all the things I want in a guy. I usually just go by the spirit. I’m definitely not like one of those people who need a guy who can sing, or a guy of a certain ethnicity, or a guy who’s athletic. Those things don’t matter to me, really. I’ve been asked to make a post on what I look for in a guy so I’ll go into more detail when I write that post!

However, right now it would be very relevant for me to say regarding that matter, I do have a general idea of indispensable qualities I 100% need in an eternal companion. I’ll give you a sneak peek into the post I’ll be making and tell you that one of the qualities I find extremely important for me is a worthy priesthood holder. I’ve always been told by my young women leaders to get married in the temple to a righteous priesthood holder. It made sense; the prophet told me to do it, my parents did it, my sister did it, so yeah, I’ll do it! But it wasn’t until I left my parents’ house for school that I really saw for myself the importance of having a priesthood holder in my home.

Okay, why I’m sharing this… I have a story that really touched me and penetrated my heart to this day and I hope you guys will feel the spirit as I did when I heard it. This chick I know dated a guy who wasn’t a member of the church, therefore he wasn’t a priesthood holder. One day her father, who was a righteous priesthood holder, followed the spirit as he sat her down and told her about a condition she had as a baby then said, “But through the power of the priesthood I was able to bless you prior to surgery and now you have a normal life because of it. Can you imagine your home without the priesthood?” When I heard that part of the story, I felt grateful that her mother married a righteous priesthood holder who was able to follow the spirit and instruct their daughter in love and righteousness. Can you imagine your home without the priesthood?

I imagined what my life would be like if I ended up marrying someone who didn’t hold the priesthood or did, but wasn’t worthy of it for whatever reason. When we have kids, who’s gonna give them their baby blessings? Who’s gonna baptize them? Will I have to call our home teachers at 2AM for a priesthood blessing when my kid is sick or discouraged? Will I go to church and attend temple sessions all by myself? Will I be happy in that situation? I know I wouldn’t be. I can’t possibly imagine my future home without the priesthood because to me, that’s an incomplete home. I’d rather be missing the roof over my head than the power and authority to act in God’s name in my family. I’d rather remain single for the rest of my life (possibly with a kitty or two) than to marry someone who doesn’t hold the priesthood.

So, she moved on and I followed her example. Yeah, some of the guys that crossed my path were cute. Actually, that’s not true. Some of them were BABES, ok? There was this one guy I met on campus and if I looked him in the eye I’d stutter so much I just didn’t talk. And that’s a LOT to say about a chatterbox like me! I ran into him at a restaurant once while I was eating with my friends and when I saw him I ducked down so he wouldn’t see me, because I didn’t want my friends to discover my dorky side when they saw me talking to him. But my friend (who was friends with him too) saw him and she waved at him for a good minute, but he didn’t see her. It was funny!

You may ask: “How would that spare you from a heartbreak? Just cuz he doesn’t have the priesthood doesn’t mean he’s a bad person! And just cuz he doesn’t have the priesthood doesn’t mean you’ll be miserable!” It spares us from a heartbreak for the same reason mentioned earlier about moving on when you know it’s not gonna work out; letting it go the minute you find out it’s not gonna work keeps you from getting even more attached, making it thus easier to move on! And yes, he can still be a great person! He just lacks an indispensable quality that would make him capable of making me happy. And you know what, there definitely are some really great guys out there who would make great husbands and fathers and just happen not to hold the priesthood for whatever reason. But, I personally, need it in my eternal companion to be happy. In fact, I was at institute the other night and we were going over Elder Holland's last general conference talk "Lord, I believe" (one of my faves) and our teacher told us to think of one thing you absolutely 100% know is true, then share it with the person next to you. What I shared was that I knew the priesthood was the power of God. I’ve had so many miraculous experiences through the power of the priesthood that I just need it in my home.

So think ahead. Don’t wait until you’re dating someone to wonder if he’s right for you. Prayerfully ponder on the kind of person you want next to you for all eternity and stick to that. Cuz if you just go with the flow and date whoever comes your way, you run the risk of falling in love with someone you’ll realize you’d be unhappy with when it’s too late. Too late because you’re already married once you came to that realization, or too late because even though you’re constantly fighting, you’re too attached and lost in the midst of your passions to let go. Believe me when I say that the sooner you let go, the easier it is to move on. That’s what I mean by using your head.

On the other hand, don’t be so practical and overly rational that you’ll miss out on a good person that comes your way. So here comes my use-your-heart-as-well point. I knew a guy who had a very specific list of things he looked for. There was one girl in his stake I believe and she was probably one of the best people I’ve known. She was incredibly kind, smart, sincere, humble, and joyful. However, for a period in her life she was less active. She repented and did her best to start over and always attended church on Sundays. Because she had repented of her sins and expressed a sincere desire to be better, she was an amazing girl! Heck, I even have a girl-crush on her and would totally ask her out if I didn’t like boys so much! Anyways, they start dating but he breaks up with her saying she wasn’t strong enough in the gospel for him because of her past.

Now, I’m not here to diss this guy or to go off about how people can change (though I can talk about that second part in depth on another post), I’m here to say that the moral of this story is to not use your head too much. Had he followed his heart, he would’ve known what an amazing person she was and what a donkey he was for letting her go. Some people focus so much on irrelevant qualities (such as appearance, hobbies, music preference, talents, etc.) that really only make up for one’s outward layer as a person, that they overlook more important qualities (like temper, compatibility, strength in the gospel, etc.) that make up who a person truly is on the inside and what kind of a person you’ll really have to live with for the rest of your life. I mean, if you’re really into chess for example and that’s all you like to do on weekends, then yeah it makes sense to look for someone who likes chess too. But if you want a guy who’s athletic for the sake of the six-pack when you yourself hate sports, then that’s silly. What I’m trying to say is, when you ponder on the kind of person you look for, do so prayerfully and follow the spirit.

Another instance where you can use your head too much is in long-term engagements. I mean, it varies from culture to culture and I’ll probably make a post where I talk specifically about long-term engagements, but for now I’ll just say I don’t believe in long-term engagements. Of course, if you’re planning a big expensive wedding then it makes a little more sense cuz you’ll wanna save up and plan for it. But if you’re just having a small reception at the church and spending less than $1K, why would you wanna be engaged for over a year? You know the person is right for you (at least I hope so if you’re friggin engaged), your wedding is gonna be small, what’s there to wait for? Personally, that to me is a big red flag if you need to think more after you’re already engaged. But, that’s just my opinion!

Now how does using your heart spare you from heartbreak? It’ll spare you from regrets. If were in that guy’s position, I’d be so hurt if I realized I let go of an amazing person who was capable of making me happy over a stupid little item on my list that wasn’t checked. I would seriously feel like such an idiot and regret it so much and that would hurt me because I’d have to live with that regret. By stupid little item, however, I mean like if I dumped a guy just because his parents were divorced, for example. Compared to something more important like if he’s a serial killer, that’s a stupid little item to have on a list.

You can find other instances where you use your head too much or when you use your heart too much. But these instances I mentioned were the ones I really felt like sharing. But the moral here is, find that balance. If you only use your heart, it’ll get broken cuz you’ll dive in too fast. If you only use your head, you’ll run the risk of battling with the what-if’s of life. So think to yourself what are some ways in your own personal life where you can use your head too much or your heart too much. And it doesn’t only and solely have to do with dating. It can be with friendships, job hunting, setting your standards, making important decisions, etc.

So I guess that wraps things up! I hope you like this post as much as you liked the last post. I know it’s not as spiritual, but sometimes, ya gotta talk about other aspects of life too! There’s one more part to this guarding your heart series then I’m DONE. Woohoo! I’m actually pretty stoked to write about something other than this topic, cuz it’ll be 3 weeks of talking about it so it gets kinda boring after a while for me. But stay tuned for next week!

XOXO,

Miss Mottola! <3