Droppin' the S in the YSA

YSA is like that awkward puberty phase regarding your social status in church; you’re not really a kid in youth cuz you’re an adult living on your own and starting your career, but you’re also not taken seriously because you’re not married with kids. It’s also the wonderful moment in your life where the decisions you make now will greatly affect the rest of your eternity; your career, your dating life, your schooling, your church activity, etc. So it’s exciting to be a YSA! What I love the most about being a YSA is I get to be an adult living on my own but I still get to party lots and travel the west coast! I love it!!

Whenever I meet someone new and I'm getting to know them (particularly when s/he is a Mormon) I am always asked what I’m doing with my life (schooling, career-wise) and if I’m dating anyone. It’s totally fine; I don’t mind answering those questions, I'm an open book, and I ask those questions to YSA people too! But after a while it does get a little exhausting repeating myself over and over. And yes, people have asked me why I’m still single, which I don’t think you should ask anybody unless you’re best friends with them. But tonight I am going to answer that question once and for all: I am not married because I haven’t found the right person (or at least gotten to know that person). Simple as that.

I guess they assume that because I'm Mormon and active in the church, that marriage is my #1 pursuit and priority, so I won't be annoyed with these kinds of intrusive questions because it's already on my mind 24/7. I guess it’s true for a lot of YSA out there. But what they don't know, however, is that I was raised by a mother who, despite having married young, always taught us to make our education, careers and personal growth a priority and the rest will come when the time is right. I was also raised by a dad who always said he’d rather see us forever single than to see us unhappily married.

I’m not a perfect person. In fact, I’m far from it. So I like to think of my time as a bachelorette as my last chance to become better so that my husband will have less to put up with. Like when you have an exam in a couple weeks and you just wanna write it already to get the semester over with – rather than complain about the fact that your semester isn’t over yet, use that time to study for it so you can kick it in the face.

John Bytheway, in his “What I Wish I’d Known When I Was Single” fireside, compared marriage to playing a duet on the piano; you can’t do it by yourself so you need to find someone who can and wants to play it with you. To me, adding on to that, my philosophy is to enjoy the time you have as you sit alone on the piano to practice your part of the duet so that when the partner comes along, you’ll be playing it right. Sure, going on dates is a lot of fun. Flirting is therapeutic. Even being in a relationship with someone you like is pretty awesome. But neither of those things bring me as much happiness as does achieving something I earned on my own or when I strive to become a better person. And as John Bytheway put it on that same fireside, you can’t control when you get married, but you can control your relationship with God, how good of a person you are, and your career path. People who focus on things that they can’t control become miserable and unattractive.

And yet, people make assumptions about my level of happiness based on the fact that I don’t wear a ring around my finger. People also like to list reasons as to why they think I’m still single (such as selfishness, commitment-phobia, or pride) when the truth is, I’m only single because I haven’t found someone I can’t live without who makes me completely happy, who God approves of for me, and who I can actually see myself starting a family with. My other pet peeve is when people try to tell me what I need and/or should look for in a husband and wedding. Why I don't like it? The first obvious reason is it's nobody's business. This is the most important decision I'll ever make, because it will affect me, the victim who kneels across the altar from me, and my posterity. The thought of that already freaks me out a little and thus makes me want to keep it just between me and God. We don't need to make it worse by having uninvited, intrusive people butting in. The second reason which ties along to the first is if I could pick my wedding date, it wouldn't be for a while. So when these people keep bringing marriage up, it makes me feel under pressure and annoyed. It's ok to joke about it once, but if it's all they talk about, I will eventually want to punch them in the face.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know a lot of good people who got married young and are happy! I’m not saying I look down on people who get married before they finish their schooling. I do, however, look down on ambitions that are focused solely towards marriage and family. Why? Well, that’s not something you can control. I don’t believe in soul mates, but I do believe God has the perfect timing for us. I have a buddy who didn’t get married until his late 20’s and he’s incredibly happy because that gave him time to meet a lot of girls, get to know himself and find out what he really wanted and therefore his wife was worth the wait. On the other hand I also have a friend who got married when she was 20 and she’s so happy with her husband, and I noticed how much she grew and matured since she started dating him and how incomplete she would be without him. So, there’s no universal right age for everyone – you’re ready when you’re ready. Should the opportunity to be sealed for time and all eternity to someone that God approves of for you come and you feel prompted to do so now, take it, no matter how old you are or how bad the timing is.

Personally, I feel like I’ll be happier as a married person if I enjoy my singlehood as much as I can and learn to be completely happy with myself first. I know people who got divorced because they got married so young they felt like they barely had a bachelorhood, and I can relate to that because I’m a free spirit and I love to have fun. There is so much that can be accomplished in life that you can actually control. If only people knew how to use their time as a single person more wisely, they’d be so much happier. We can control how well we do in our careers and our spiritual progress, so that should be our focus – not finding an eternal companion. Because like I said, it’s all in the Lord’s timing. And if it so happens that I’ll be single for the rest of my life because I didn’t feel God’s approval for anyone who came around, then I choose that over being unhappily married to someone God didn’t approve of.

Sister Oaks, who didn’t get married until she was 53, is one of my role models. Not because of the fact that she got married late, but because she didn’t let it get to her. She focused on her studies and on her mission on Earth and moved forward. She said one day, however, she was sad because of the fact that she was still single and so she asked for a priesthood blessing from a leader. In it, he said “If you cannot bear the difficulties and challenges of single life, you will NEVER be able to bear the challenges and difficulties of married life.” Here is a link to the fireside. I recommend it!! It was really good:

Maybe it’s easy for me to say all of this because I’m so young and I’m just about to start my career. I truly am happy where I’m at with my life. I love my family and friends with all my heart and would give my life for them if needs be. I have truly amazing people in my life who inspire me to be better. I have wonderful leaders, I have the gospel in my life, I love the university I currently attend, I love being at a different city every weekend partying it up, I love having my alone time, I love the extra time I have for myself, and most importantly, I love knowing with no shadow of a doubt that I have someone in my life who completely accepts me for who I am: me. I know people who are older and are unhappy because of their relationship status. I feel sorry for them and I hope they’ll develop happiness, though not having had the opportunity to marry in the temple. But what I do know is whether in this life or the next, EVERYONE will have that opportunity. So long as you are keeping your covenants, striving to learn your part of the duet as best you can, there’s nothing to worry about. The only downside of being single is having to hear these annoying, repetitive things people say to us.

“If you’re so happy being single, why are you upset when people tell you to get married or offer you advice you didn’t ask for?” You might ask. Well, I don’t like being judged. The same way I take offense when people tell me I have no desire to serve the Lord when I tell them I’m not going on a mission, I take offense when people make inaccurate assumptions as to why marriage isn’t on the top of my to-do list. It gets to the point where I feel like they want me to be miserable to prove their points that only married people are happy. I also feel like I’m being patronized, like the only reason as to why I’m single is because I haven’t heard enough advice. And most importantly, it is nobody’s business. People forget how sacred and big that decision is and only remember the ‘Mormon rite of passage’ side to it and that makes me sad. I hate that a person’s accomplishments are viewed by some members of the church as incomplete unless they’re married.Yes, the sealing ordinance is a commandment, but the Lord never said it HAD to be done in your early 20's (or worse, late teens).

I came across this article written by an accomplished 36-year old lady on how to handle the "Why aren't you married?" question. It was SO good! She didn't have to be a Mormon for everything she said to be true. And I knew it was all true because I even felt the spirit when I read it! I seriously would copy and paste every single word she said into this post and call them my own, because I wholeheartedly agree and relate to everything. I hope you guys will take the time to read it!

I’ll conclude this rant with my testimony of marriage. Contrary to what a couple people have told me, I do have a testimony of the sealing ordinance. I’m grateful that my parents lived clean, worthy lives that allowed them to enter the holy temple and be married for time and all eternity. I know that families can be together forever. I know that no matter what happens to the members of my family, I will get to live with them someday. That knowledge is what keeps me going. My grandparents have all passed away, and it’s sad because I miss them – especially when I go through times where I know only one of them could help me go through with it. I would’ve given anything to have my grandma around when I was a teenager struggling with everything teenagers go through or my grandpa when I have kids because he’s always yearned to meet his great-grandchildren. But at the same time, I know they’re watching over me. I know they’re in a better place. I know if I live a faithful life, I will get to live with them for all eternity through that sealing ordinance. I’m so grateful this ordinance has been restored here on Earth. To me, that is our purpose here; to live so that we can be with the ones we love for time and all eternity. 

Love,

Miss Mottola :]